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Recipe for Catastrophe
Recipe for Catastrophe was an e-wrestling promo written by Krimson Mask in June 2007 for his first defense of the LPW World Heavyweight Championship in a match against The Rabbi at Insanity LIVE from Gainesville. It is part of The Tales of Krimson Mask collection. The promo scored a 4.18 aps in a winning effort. Promo RECIPE FOR CATASTROPHE Dear Dieary, ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! ''I can no longer do it! I can not hold back the tears anymore. The dam in my eyes have burst open and now are overflowing my face with flooding tears. I am drowning in a sea of emotion. HELP ME! I am so hurt right now. I was embarrassed and victimized by Bloodrose and Scarlet on the last Insanity show. I did not do anything wrong. Why did Scarlet have to chase me like she did? I hate running cause then you get all tired out and your heart starts beating like an overactive hammer. Plus, running makes me sweaty and I start raining perspiration from my head. So when that sweat gets in my eyes, my make-up starts to smear and it gets all messy and then I look unattractive. Not that Scarlet has to worry about being attractive over anything. That is probably why she was chasing me, she does not have to worry about looking pretty. All I know is that Scarlet is a cranky cheap dirty vampire whore that must have been menstruating. ''Anywho, so when I was running away from her, you would not believe what Bloodrose did. The big fanged meanie hit me in the mouth. He hit an innocent woman! Can you believe that? I remember a long long time ago when we first arrived in this world, he invited me and Krimmy to his Manor and gave the two of us a dessert to die for. Bloodrose and Scarlet were so nice to us, even the other two vampire ladies that were there at the time. I remember there names were Violet and Midnight. I thought we were all friends. But now, Bloodrose does not even care that he jacked me across the face and made me fall down the stairs. That really hurt. I felt like Jack and Jill when they fell down the hill when they went to fetch a pail of water. It was a good thing I did not break my crown like Jill did. But I did break a nail unfortunately. Its funny though. My broken nail was worth more than Scarlets value on the whore market. Some men must be really desperate to go with her prices. Heck, I only charge half of what she charges, plus I run special price cuts, if you know what I mean. As they say, its all good in the hood. Tee hee hee hee hee. ''But you know what the worst part was? Did you hear what Scarlet said to me? When I was at the announce table minding my own business, she came up to me and widened her ugly mouth with her daggering teeth outlined by some really bad cherry-red lipstick. Obviously, I thought I would say something observant. So I said “Oh Scarlet, what big teeth you have”. It was just an honest observation, nothing more. After all, she had some really big teeth and I thought I would say something. But then, do you know what she said? She said, “The better to eat you with my dear.” Oh dear! How dare she quote the Big Bad Wolf! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THAT PHRASE AGAIN, especially after what happened to me when I was a little girl. It brings back so many bad memories. Oh no! Here I go again! The tears are leaking through my face again. Oh no! ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! ''I can still remember the moment that the Big Bad Wolf swallowed me and I saliva-slided down his esophagus and into his belly. It was so dark down there. Just when his digestive system was about to kick in and transform me and Grandmother into wolf poop, Krimmy snipped open his belly and rescued us. That was one happy ending. But then there was the second incident. The second incident was far worse. Right before we arrived in this world, we were traveling on the road through the Sherwood Forest. I went to chase a fish, but when I got back on the road, I saw there was a huge pack of Big Bad Wolves that had surrounded Krimmy and were plucking out his eyeballs and ripping out his tongue. I tried to get away, but the Wolves pounced on me and grinded their pointy teeth right in front of my face. I cried to Krimmy to rescue me, but he was too busy having his face mutilated by those horrible wretched animals. His last screams still ring in my head to this day. And then I remember the voice of that man. The man dressed in all black who had orchestrated the whole set-up. I saw his shoes, I saw his pants, I saw his chest, but I never could see his face. Next thing I remember was waking up in this world and seeing Krimmy having his eyelids and mouth sewn shut. ''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! ''I am so incredibly sick of Big Bad Wolves. If I was granted a wish from a magic genie in a bottle, I would wish that all the Big Bad Wolves in the entire world would be thrown into a giant oven, just like how the witch from Hansel and Gretel was thrown in a giant oven. Then I would turn the temperature all the way up so that giant flames would come shooting out. I want it to be so hot in there, that the Devil himself would get a sunburn if he took a vacation in there. So in this oven that is hotter than h, e, double hockey sticks, all the Big Bad Wolves would fry and burn where they eventually would meet their death. That is what I want to do to all the Big Bad Wolves in the world. I want them to die in blazing fire because they ruined my and Krimmys lives. And Bloodrose and Scarlet should be in that scorching oven too, cause they were mean to me last week. ''Talking about baking things, I just wish that I could be back home baking with Grandmother. I really miss her. Hopefully when we find the person who got us to this world, we will be able to force him to get us back home so I can be with her again. I remember every Sunday afternoon, after we got home from church, she would show me how to bake some of her delicious goodies. I could so go for some of her cookies right now, since I am soooooooooooooooooo hungry today. Walking in the forest all day will do that to a girl. Grandmother knows how to make the best cookies in the entire world. Well, our world anyway. She could make sugar cookies, peanut butter cookies, macadam cookies, chocolate chip cookies, double chocolate chip cookies, white chocolate chip cookies, double white chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip with white chocolate chip cookies, double chocolate chip with double white chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies, toffee dough cookies, harvest dough cookies, white chunk cranberry cookies, blue chunk blueberry cookies, shrimp cookies, fortune cookies, nut cookies, Christmas cookies, you name it, she could make it. She had me more spoiled than eight week old expired milk. But you know what? More than any cookie, Grandmother always knew how to make the best gingerbread men. I tried others, but nothing could ever beat Grandmothers recipe. ''I wish I could make some right now. I would get my recipe book and then start off with a cup of butter at room temperature, a cup of sugar, 2 eggs, 4 cups of flour, a teaspoon of vanilla, one and a quarter cups of salt, a teaspoon of ginger, 8 teaspoons of buttermilk, 4 teaspoons of cinnamon, and 3 cups of nutmeg. Grandmother would also include a secret ingredient in hers. It was a lot of white powdered stuff. But she never would tell me what it was. She said that was what made her gingerbread men better than anyone elses. She told me not to sniff it too much though. ''Anywho, after we had everything together, I would combine all the ingredients in a little bowl and start stirring. The dough would get really really really sticky. Then I would take the goopy batter and place it on the tray. I would cut the dough into shapes like they were little gooey people. I would place them in the oven and wait until they were nice and hard. I would not make the temperature as hot as the one I will reserve for the Wolves just so you know. In the meantime while the gingerbread men were cooking, I would tell Grandmother about all the exciting tales that me and Krimmy have had. I wish I could tell her about all the exciting adventures that we have had in this world. Anyway, after about 20 minutes, the timer would go off ''DING! ''And then I would know that the gingerbread men were done baking. Yay! I would finish them by decorating their faces with white icing for their eyes and eyebrows, red icing for their smiles, and then I would give them little purple gumdrops for their buttons. Here, let me draw them to show you what they would look like. ''I can just see them now looking way too happy. They would be so cute. They all would have these gay red smiles on their faces like they did not have a care in the world. Uh, I would not be able to stand the sight. I would grab a sharp pointy knife and look sweetly into their little icing eyeballs. I would take my knife and ever so slowly, grind the blade into one of their bloppy cookie arms. Tee hee hee hee hee. Then I would carve my pointy blade through its sugar infested legs and violently snap them off with my hands, amputating one leg at a time. How do you like that mister gingerbread man? Tee hee hee hee hee. It is just like what is gonna happen at Insanity this week when Krimmy takes on Rabbi for the World Heavyweight Championship. Krimmy is gonna take his large tree trunk arms and he is gonna rip apart Rabbis arms, disarming him from anything he can do in the ring. As soon as that is done, Krimmy is gonna tear his legs apart one by one. Try if you may, but You can not run away, now that you have no legs, mister rabbi. I will do it to you too mister gingerbread men. How do you like that. Tee hee hee hee hee. ''And Then for the last part, I would take my knife and slice off their necks causing them to snap off their entire teeny weeny bodies. Wow. It is just like how Krimmy has done to every opponent he has faced in Lords of Pain Wrestling. Tee hee hee hee hee. Their necks will crumble into a million itty bitty little pieces. I would start giggling hysterically at the deformed cookie corpses. Tee hee hee hee hee. ''But all of the gingerbread men would keep smiling with their little icing eyeballs and smiley grins. How could you all look so happy? You are supposed to be dead. Your body parts have been ripped away. You all are in a million pieces, just like what my brain looks like after what has happened to me and Krimmy after the incident with the Big Bad Wolves and the Stranger in the forest. Why will you not die gingerbread men? You do not want to live. How can you be so happy living in such a horrible world like this. There is nothing good here. If you stay alive, your lives will be ruined like mine. You will have packs of wolves come up to you and try to devour you like you were some kind of food. Take it from me, you do not want live like that. Let me end your miserable cookie lives now before it is too late. ''Wait. Am I seeing things? What are wrong with my eyes. You are not gingerbread men. You all look like little Rabbi-gingerbread men now. They are all smiling at me. Tee hee hee hee hee. Tee hee hee hee hee. I must be going KRAZY or else Grandmothers secret ingredient was cocaine! Tee hee hee hee hee. Lots and lots of cocaine. Why are all of you smiling at me like that? What is wrong with all of you? Do you not know how horrible your life will be if you stay alive. Life is not happy. You will all die for thinking life is merry. Tee hee hee hee hee. You do not know the horrors of this life. Stop smiling Rabbi-gingerbread men. All of you. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop smiling all of you. If you do not stop smiling, you will all experience Rabbi-gingerbread manicide. Tee hee hee hee hee. I will give you till the count of 5. Ready. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Ready or not, here I come. Hey, wait a tick. All of you are still smiling. I warned you. You are making me very very very upset. I have had enough. You do not want to live here. I will take my knife and start stabbing all of you repeatedly in the face if you do not stop smiling. Stop it. Stop smiling. Stop it. That is it. You asked for it. Die Rabbi-gingerbread men. DIE! Tee hee hee hee hee. How do you like feeling your smirking heads being pierced off by my blade even more? Huh? How does that feel? What? Why are all of you still smiling? Your heads have been stabbed and cut off your bodies. So that is not good enough. You want more. Okay. ''I will eat all of your heads too. Yeah that is good. Yummy. Rabbi-gingerbread men heads are good to eat. Mmmmm. More. I want more delicious Rabbi-gingerbread men heads. I want to squish their faces and chew them with my teeth. Then I can swallow them as they slide down into my tummy. You will not be smiling in my tummy. No. You can not be. Tee hee hee hee hee. Where is some milk? ''Wait, there is one more Rabbi-gingerbread man that got away. How did you get over there by the window in Grandmothers kitchen? Do not run away. Do you not want to be with your friends over here. Come here! Otherwise Krimmy is gonna come after you. Come here Mister Rabbi-gingerbread man so Krimmy can get you and then I can eat you, wait, I mean be nice to you! Yeah, that is right. Tee hee hee hee hee. I will be nice to you. Do not run away. I want to be your friend. Okay, it is your choice if you do not come here. I am gonna send Krimmy to getcha. Where do you even think you can hide to? Who do you think can rescue you? Please do not tell me that you are gonna try to contact the Muffin Man? He can not help you! Besides, he lives all the way on Drury lane, and that is far, far away. No one can save you now mister rabbi-gingerbread man. Come here or else. ''Little Red’s arm is forcefully jolted by Krimson Mask as her dieary and pencil suddenly go flying into the air. Mask takes her and hides both of their bodies behind a large oak tree as he silently senses someone unknown close-by. '''Little Red': “OW! What are you doing Krimmy?! That really really really hurt. I was writing a really good dieary entry about what you are gonna do to Rabbi this week on Insanity before…” Krimson Mask covers his grimy blood-stained hands over Little Red’s motor mouth to mute her annoying voice. The body of the bloodbeast seethes with anonymous excitement as he senses someone nearby. His nose nostrils flare with heavy gusts as he anticipates his prey. '''Little Red': (whispering) “What is it? Is it someone in the forest? It has to be! Who is it?!” Krimson Mask acts like he’s paying no attention to his little psychotic valet. His breathing becomes calm as he adjusts his body for his hunter instincts to take over him, as not to allow a hint of detection for the person or persons coming towards them. As he listens, a little rustling is heard on the ground from someone’s footsteps. '''Little Red': (whispering) “Maybe it’s cYn! Oh I hope so. I have not had a chance to thank him for coming to my aid on the last Insanity show when Bloodrose knocked me down.” Little Red looks up at Krimson Mask, but right away she knows that her protector doesn’t sense the man she holds a giant crush for. '''Little Red': (whispering) “It’s not cYn then, huh? Hmmm… Do you think it could be Bloodrose and Scarlet? Maybe they are coming to thank you for allowing them the number one contender’s match against Al this week. Do you think it is them? Again, by Mask’s lack of reaction, Little Red figures it can’t be them either. The unknown footsteps are heard closer. Mask ever so quietly, slides his trusty axe out of his swath in preparation for making a surprise kill. '''Little Red': (whispering) “Maybe it is Al. He is still probably upset that he lost the title to you Krimmy. Maybe he is coming for us and will go all “gangsta” on you. Tee hee hee hee hee. I think I used a “gang” word.” Krimson Mask stops and shakes his head at such a ridiculous idea. '''Little Red': (whispering) “Yeah, I know that was a stretch. Hmmmm….so if it’s not cYnical…and it’s not Bloodrose…and it’s not Al…then it can only be…(SHOUTS) Oooooh! I know who it is! It’s the Muffin Man! Hey Krimmy. Do you know the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man! Do you know the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane! I think the Rabbi-Gingerbread Man may have contacted him while I was writing!” The shouting voice of Little Red alarms the person or persons making the unknown footsteps. The footsteps suddenly stop. Immediately knowing his cover has been blown, Krimmy steps out of his hiding spot and lunges his axe at the presence that he feels is near him. Just as the axe’s blade comes near the presence, two voices halt Masks’ surging axe. '''Voice': “You do not want to do that to us, Krimson Mask and Little Red…” Voice: “For we have come to give you answers to your troubling circumstances. Krimson Mask pulls back his protruding axe as Violet and Midnight (the former vampire valets to Bloodrose and sisters to Scarlet), emerge from the shadowy darkness of the forest. Violet is clothed in a purple jumpsuit that meticulously reveals her upper cleavage through the zipper of her jacket. Midnight also wears a jumpsuit that is very similar to Violet’s, except hers is camouflaged with the dark night sky. '''Little Red': “You! I haven’t heard from you two since Altered Reality III.” Violet: “Tis true. We had grown sick of doing every little thing that Daniel demanded us to do, just because he was our sire…” Midnight: “…and not to mention that we were being watched by millions of people who would see us slave around, just in order to have a sumptuous lifestyle while our sister stole all of Daniel’s affection…” Violet: “…so we took our leave to find ourselves…” Midnight: “…and hoped our lives in public life would be what it once was.” Little Red: “Okay, so then why did you come all the way out here to talk to us?” Violet: “Revenge...” Midnight: “…Vengeance…” Violet: “…Reprisal…” Midnight: “…Payback…” Violet: “…for all the time that we associated ourselves with Daniel for making us look like his vampire prostitutes…” Midnight: “…our lives since leaving the Bloodrose Manor have not been the same…” Violet: “…The public classifies us as menaces to society…” Midnight: “…our families now see us as disgraces to humanity…” Violet: “…we can never be who we were before we met Daniel…” Midnight: “…and for that, we want a measure of retribution.” Little Red: “So why do you want to talk with us?” Violet: “We saw what he did to you on the last Insanity show…” Midnight: “...and we also see that you want answers to your troubled past…” Violet: “…so that you can once again live a cherished life…” Midnight: “…much like what we desire before Daniel raped that dream from us.” Little Red: “So you know! You know who the man who is responsible for bringing us here! The man in black who forced us into this world! Oh finally! Thank you thank you thank you! Little Red starts jumping up and down, clapping her hands together after. Krimson Mask remains standing there, with his head ever so tilted in a curious manner. The chanting sisters look at each other with coy smiles on their faces. '''Violet': “We do not know who the man responsible for bringing you here is…” Midnight: “…but we do have information that might be of great assistance.” Violet: “Please answer us this question…” Midnight: “…Do you remember the Sword that hung in Bloodrose Manor when you came to visit us one year ago?” Little Red: “Well, I remember a sword that was hanging in the room. I don’t know what’s so important about a stupid sword though.” Violet: “That was the Sword of Damocles…” Midnight: “The Sword of Damocles is of great legend…” Violet: “Legends says that there once lived a courtier named Damocles who told his sire, King Dionysius, that he was truly blessed…” Midnight: “Dionysius laughed at this comment, and offered his courtier a chance to switch places with him for one night…” Violet: “…On this day, Damocles enjoyed all the benefits of royalty as he was waited on like a King…” Midnight: “…but as supper ended, he looked up and saw a sharpened sword hanging above his head by aid of a single horsehair…” Violet: “…Damocles immediately lost all taste for the riches of a King, saying he no longer wished to have the royal riches…” Midnight: “…the lesson of the legend shows the always present chance of peril that is faced by those in positions of high power…” Little Red: “Okay, thank you for the history lesson, but what does bedtime story have to do with me and Krimmy?” Violet: “There is a myth that the Sword of Damocles can cut through reality and switch into different dimensions, much like how Damocles switched places with his lord…” Midnight: “…and there’s great possibility that it slashed into your reality, leaving a gateway for the two of you to switch into this world…” Little Red: “SO ARE YOU SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU ARE SAYING! BLOODROSE IS THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING US HERE!” Krimson Mask presses his fingers harder into his axe handle, making his knuckles whiter than Snow White’s face complexion. Violet and Midnight once again stop their chanting and exchange glances with each other. They look back at Little Red. '''Violet': “We did not say that, for…” Little Red: “It has to be! The Sword is in Bloodrose’s Manor! I remember Krimmy telling me. When he was younger, a Stranger traded a magical golden harp to King Midas in exchange for a magical sword. The Stranger betrayed Krimmy just to get to that sword. That sword had to be the Sword of Damocles. And if Bloodrose has it, then the Stranger must be Bloodrose! Isn’t it!? How else could it have gotten in Bloodrose’s Manor? Surely he was the one who forced us into this stupid world because…” Midnight: “We strongly encourage you not to jump to conclusions…” Violet: “…especially with what we are about to tell you…” Midnight: “...for we remember Daniel telling us about a special stipulation to the Sword of Damocles’ ultimate power.” Little Red: “Okay. So what can possibly be the catch? We know it had to be Bloodrose. The Sword is right in his Manor. He’s been caught red-handed.” Violet: “We once again encourage you not to jump to conclusions when we tell you this…” Midnight: “…for there must be a special method, or recipe as you would call it, for how to travel through different planes of reality.” Little Red: “Fine, fine. I will stop jumping to conclusions. Just tell me already how it works.” Violet: “Legend says that the only way to acquire the Sword of Damocles’ unique power of transporting to different dimensions…” Midnight: “…can only be utilized by the hand of a powerful wizard who masters an eternal power that is called…” Violet and Midnight once again delay their chanting, look at each other with a look of hesitation in their eyes but with a smirk on their lips, then look back at Krimson Mask and Little Red to deliver the shocking news. '''Violet & Midnight': “THE FLAME!” See also *''The Tales of Krimson Mask'' External links Category:Promos Category:The Tales of Krimson Mask